It's like this....every shower, I'm reminded by my scars and the fact that I have ZERO sensation. Implants are nice, but they are not me. Little things like being able to sleep on your side without some amount of discomfort is not an option. (I have NO idea how I'm going to sleep on the ground in Boston) I don't know if I will ever be able to sleep on my stomach again.
You get surprised by people...both gratefully surprised and hurtfully surprised. Friends who you thought would have your back, you don't hear from. Friends you never knew you had, show up at your door step to take your child for the day to make sure he has a fantastic day. They show up with meals, they coordinate a whole care calendar for you, they throw you surprise parties. They send you notes/FB messages/texts to say, "hey...I'm thinking about you today". I have made many new friendships through this journey and I couldn't be more grateful for them.
It doesn't stop there. Every ache, every pain...the first thing that comes to your mind is "Is it Cancer?" as you race frantically to the nearest phone or pc to google whatever pain or ache you have. Yeah, not fun. Chemo has also left it's lasting hand print. I now have "chemo brain"....I used to pride myself on being a really good speller. Now, even simple words, I struggle with. I'm really hoping this side effect goes away. My memory is shot. There is only one person who could ever be happy about this...the hubby. But seriously...it's my short term memory. I hate not remembering things. And then there is the neuropathy...that is tingly/numb areas in my feet/toes and fingers. Again...another side effect that I am hoping will subside over time.
And no...having nice perky boobs is NOT a nice consolation prize. I realize that nothing in life is guaranteed, except my Pampered Chef cookware (just had to throw a shameless plug in there), but I rather liked living in the realm of knowing I will see my 6 year old grow up. I also realize and remind myself EVERY single day that I have a 90-95% chance of beating this and being here in 20 years.
So, there you have it...the OTHER side of cancer. It's not a pretty picture, is it?? I'm not bitter over any of this. I know that God has the perfect plan for me. I remind myself of that...admittedly....not as often as I should. I KNOW that God put in place some amazing things and I need to remind myself of things that HE has already done. I just need to be reminded of "the brick wall". I'm not going to tell the story right now of "the brick wall" but it is a powerful and amazing story.
I hope this doesn't come across as being angry or mad...that is not my intent at all. My intent is to educate people that just because treatment is over, life is getting back to normal, for cancer survivors, it is never what it used to be.
