Resurrecting this Blog!!

Yep!!!  I'm going to bring this back!!  Not sure what shape it will take but just going to do it!!  :)

The Other Side of Cancer

The other side?  You mean there is an "other side"?  Yep...it's the side that no one really sees and you don't talk about to anyone.  Why??  Because it's not the side that people understand or really want to hear.  People (in my opinion) just want to know that you are doing okay.  It makes them feel better, I think.  But seriously, after surgery and chemo, is it really over??  The answer is no...it's not.  Everyday day, I am reminded of cancer.  Every. Single. Day.

It's like this....every shower, I'm reminded by my scars and the fact that I have ZERO sensation.  Implants are nice, but they are not me.  Little things like being able to sleep on your side without some amount of discomfort is not an option.  (I have NO idea how I'm going to sleep on the ground in Boston) I don't know if I will ever be able to sleep on my stomach again.  

You get surprised by people...both gratefully surprised and hurtfully surprised.  Friends who you thought would have your back, you don't hear from.  Friends you never knew you had, show up at your door step to take your child for the day to make sure he has a fantastic day.  They show up with meals, they coordinate a whole care calendar for you, they throw you surprise parties.  They send you notes/FB messages/texts to say, "hey...I'm thinking about you today".  I have made many new friendships through this journey and I couldn't be more grateful for them.  

It doesn't stop there.  Every ache, every pain...the first thing that comes to your mind is "Is it Cancer?" as you race frantically to the nearest phone or pc to google whatever pain or ache you have.  Yeah, not fun.  Chemo has also left it's lasting hand print.  I now have "chemo brain"....I used to pride myself on being a really good speller.  Now, even simple words, I struggle with.  I'm really hoping this side effect goes away.  My memory is shot.  There is only one person who could ever be happy about this...the hubby.  But seriously...it's my short term memory.  I hate not remembering things.  And then there is the neuropathy...that is tingly/numb areas in my feet/toes and fingers.  Again...another side effect that I am hoping will subside over time.  

And no...having nice perky boobs is NOT a nice consolation prize.  I realize that nothing in life is guaranteed, except my Pampered Chef cookware (just had to throw a shameless plug in there), but I rather liked living in the realm of knowing I will see my 6 year old grow up.  I also realize and remind myself EVERY single day that I have a 90-95% chance of beating this and being here in 20 years.

So, there you have it...the OTHER side of cancer.  It's not a pretty picture, is it??  I'm not bitter over any of this.  I know that God has the perfect plan for me.  I remind myself of that...admittedly....not as often as I should.  I KNOW that God put in place some amazing things and I need to remind myself of things that HE has already done.  I just need to be reminded of "the brick wall".  I'm not going to tell the story right now of "the brick wall" but it is a powerful and amazing story.

I hope this doesn't come across as being angry or mad...that is not my intent at all.  My intent is to educate people that just because treatment is over, life is getting back to normal, for cancer survivors, it is never what it used to be.  

The Truth...and nothing but the Truth

Wow, it's been a very long time since I updated this blog!!!  


So, yesterday, I was asked to share by cancer story for another blog and figured I would just write it up here as well!!  Here goes....


It was the beginning of October and we all know that October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month.  A friend had posted a link to the local awareness center.  I clicked on it and was looking at the signs and symptoms of breast cancer.  That click saved my life.  Little did I know that a sign I had noticed months ago was actually a sign and symptom of cancer!!!  I immediately made an appointment and got in that week.  I went for a mammogram and ultrasound, both of which showed "very concerning" areas.  I was able to get in for a biopsy the following Wednesday and on Friday, October 14th, I had my answer.  Yes, it is cancer.  I cried, I prayed, cried some more, prayed some more and then decided that I needed to face this head on.  


From there, it seems like a whirlwind of events...more testing, more appointments, more decisions, more fears.  After an MRI showed a "suspicious" fleck on the other side and Dr's wanting to do another biopsy, I decided just to do a double mastectomy and forego another biopsy and delay things even more.  The scariest part of everything at this point was not knowing if the cancer had spread.  When the lymph node biopsy came back clear, I remember just crying tears of joy...in the middle of a parking lot.  It was also on this day that I found out that my cancer was HER-2/Neu positive.  This is a fast growing and aggressive cancer.  There is a new treatment that you may have heard about, Herceptin.  This is a game changer.  It cuts your recurrence rate in half!!!  But, this also meant that I would need chemo.


In November, I underwent my surgery.  I spent the next 4 weeks recovering and dreading the next step...chemo.  No one can prepare you for what chemo will do to you.  Of course, I didn't want to lose my hair.  To everyone on the outside, I didn't "look" sick....and I knew chemo would make me "look" sick. December 14th was "C" day...my first infusion.  I was one of the unlucky ones to have every bad side effect from chemo possible.  I worked with my Dr's and we had a better plan for the next treatment.  I really didn't want to do any more chemo after that first treatment, but I knew that I had to....for my little boy!!! 


The rest of chemo treatments went as scheduled and even though I had days where I was very sick, I got through it.  It's funny...I don't really remember those days.  What I do remember, is all of the love and support I got from family and friends.  I had many moms come to my rescue when I was too sick to take care of Jake and they would have him over for the afternoon.  I am so grateful and blessed beyond measure for the people in my life. So many people stepped up and helped us out in so many ways...between child care for Jake, meals, phone calls, cards, and visits....they made this road so much easier to travel.  As a mom, knowing that you are too sick to care for your own child devastating.  I am so blessed to have friends that took him in and gave him a day filled with fun and games!!!


Now that I am on the other side of treatment (other than the herceptin)...life is back to normal...except for that fear that looms over your head...will my cancer come back??  At my first appointment with my Oncologist after surgery and the pathology reports were all back, I was given a 90% chance that I will still be here in 20 years.  Those are very good odds.  Every day, and I do mean every day, I have a choice of how I will live that day.  Will I live it in the 10%  or the 90%???  Will I trust and believe that I have been healed???  There are days that the fear is all consuming.  I know this is a normal part of this journey...but I also know I need to quickly get off of that path. This I do know...Fear is like a prison cell....it will keep you locked up inside until the only thing that feels comfortable to you are those 4 walls.  There is so much more to life than what those 4 walls can hold and I'm going to go out and live it!!!  Cancer, in some ways, has set me free.  The one thing that could take my life has actually set me free to live my life....free from all of things that has held me back in the past.  


I am looking forward to all that life has in store for me!!!  I hope that I am able to give back what has been so freely and graciously given to me. I'm not sure what all God has planned for my life....but He said He has a plan to prosper me and not to harm me....He said that ALL things work for good....He said....My strength is made perfect in your weakness....He said....through all that I have been through, I will receive my deliverance!  Sometimes, it is through our pain, our fears, and our trials that we learn to live...we learn to fly...we learn to have the abundant life.  So, for that, I am thankful for my cancer journey...as scary and as terrible as it is...I can say, I am grateful.

Frustration!

Frustration has set in. I'm frustrated that I can't take care of the house, I can't do things with Jake, frustrated with the process, frustrated that "this" is controlling my life, and on and on and on......

I am reading Joyce Meyer's Devotional on You Version and today's devotional was on...dum, dum, dum, dum, duuuuuuummmmmm........"Frustration". According to Joyce, when you allow yourself to get frustrated, you are not fully relying on God. Frustration hits when we stop depending on Him and try to make something happen our own way.

Hmmm, ya think? So, it kinda all goes back to one of my original prayers..."make me weak so that You can be strong". So today, when Jake isn't listening and giving me a hard time getting ready for school, I shall be weak. I will stop, pause, pray, and let God deal with him..if God chooses to use me in that process of dealing with him, well, then, I will do my part. That is just one of my major frustrations of each and every day when I am reminded that I am not 100% and there are things that I just can't do. It's very hard watching your 6 year old wanting to run and play and you can't. We will get through this, that I am sure of. I just need to figure out ways that I can both rest and he can play. I need to really make sure that I use the time that he is at school to really rest so that I am refreshed when he gets home from school. Maybe I will check out open gym at the Y and let him play basketball over there for a while after school next week. Next week will be my best week physically.

So, today is a day of not getting frustrated. I will not allow frustration to take over but use it as a gentle reminder that I need God in ALL things, even getting a a 6 year old dressed for school.

Weird cravings...

I want macaroni salad...amish macaroni salad...and KFC. It is crazy how one minute you don't want to eat and the next you are starving amd it is for something specific. So far so good this round. Not near the amount of pain, which i am so thankful for! stay tuned for more updates....and watching the Food Network isn't helping.

Second treatment, sigh

Well, the 2nd treatment went well until the herceptin. I started to have a reaction at the port site and they had to stop it, just until the reaction got under control. They intervened quickly as my blood pressurevwas through the roof. They gave me benadryl, ativan (for the increasing anxiety due to the reaction and the nausea that was starting to set in), and a blood pressure med. All seemed to have worked. The bone pain started there as well and they let me take a pain pill and they gave me some hot compresses as well. All of that seemed to work. Feeling a bit achey this morning and a bit nauseous even with the patch, so I took the right nausea pill, lol.

Off to get my first neulasta shot shortly

Second Treatment in the Morning

Big Sigh.....So many things are running through my head and heart. Is this next treatment going to try and kill me again?? (at least, that is the way it felt to me) Will it be smooth sailing? Will all the new meds work???

I'm getting my head shaved in the morning before treatment. I told her no mirrors and I am allowed to cry. I am going to have Doug take some pics for when I am ready. I want to document this process and this journey, not necessarily for me, but for others as well.

I hope to post again tomorrow during my treatment.....until then....I shall focus on the positives, focus on what I know and not what I "feel".

Goodnight, all!!!! Joy comes in the morning!!