Frustration!

Frustration has set in. I'm frustrated that I can't take care of the house, I can't do things with Jake, frustrated with the process, frustrated that "this" is controlling my life, and on and on and on......

I am reading Joyce Meyer's Devotional on You Version and today's devotional was on...dum, dum, dum, dum, duuuuuuummmmmm........"Frustration". According to Joyce, when you allow yourself to get frustrated, you are not fully relying on God. Frustration hits when we stop depending on Him and try to make something happen our own way.

Hmmm, ya think? So, it kinda all goes back to one of my original prayers..."make me weak so that You can be strong". So today, when Jake isn't listening and giving me a hard time getting ready for school, I shall be weak. I will stop, pause, pray, and let God deal with him..if God chooses to use me in that process of dealing with him, well, then, I will do my part. That is just one of my major frustrations of each and every day when I am reminded that I am not 100% and there are things that I just can't do. It's very hard watching your 6 year old wanting to run and play and you can't. We will get through this, that I am sure of. I just need to figure out ways that I can both rest and he can play. I need to really make sure that I use the time that he is at school to really rest so that I am refreshed when he gets home from school. Maybe I will check out open gym at the Y and let him play basketball over there for a while after school next week. Next week will be my best week physically.

So, today is a day of not getting frustrated. I will not allow frustration to take over but use it as a gentle reminder that I need God in ALL things, even getting a a 6 year old dressed for school.

Weird cravings...

I want macaroni salad...amish macaroni salad...and KFC. It is crazy how one minute you don't want to eat and the next you are starving amd it is for something specific. So far so good this round. Not near the amount of pain, which i am so thankful for! stay tuned for more updates....and watching the Food Network isn't helping.

Second treatment, sigh

Well, the 2nd treatment went well until the herceptin. I started to have a reaction at the port site and they had to stop it, just until the reaction got under control. They intervened quickly as my blood pressurevwas through the roof. They gave me benadryl, ativan (for the increasing anxiety due to the reaction and the nausea that was starting to set in), and a blood pressure med. All seemed to have worked. The bone pain started there as well and they let me take a pain pill and they gave me some hot compresses as well. All of that seemed to work. Feeling a bit achey this morning and a bit nauseous even with the patch, so I took the right nausea pill, lol.

Off to get my first neulasta shot shortly

Second Treatment in the Morning

Big Sigh.....So many things are running through my head and heart. Is this next treatment going to try and kill me again?? (at least, that is the way it felt to me) Will it be smooth sailing? Will all the new meds work???

I'm getting my head shaved in the morning before treatment. I told her no mirrors and I am allowed to cry. I am going to have Doug take some pics for when I am ready. I want to document this process and this journey, not necessarily for me, but for others as well.

I hope to post again tomorrow during my treatment.....until then....I shall focus on the positives, focus on what I know and not what I "feel".

Goodnight, all!!!! Joy comes in the morning!!

Where Did the Time Go???

Gosh....I promised myself that I would blog more about this whole experience and well, that didn't happen. For that, I apologize...but I know you are following me on Facebook.

Let me recap the whole first chemo experience. I will be more honest here than on Facebook. It was not a pleasant experience at all. So much so, it made me question if continuing treatment was even a good idea. I won't recap all of the details, but it was the most intense pain I have ever felt in my entire life.

So...after meeting with the Doctors last week, we have a new game plan for next week for treatment #2. Lots more nausea drugs and we know what drug works for pain. I am optimistic for the next treatment that it will be much less traumatic for everyone.

On the hair front....nothing has fallen out yet. It keeps tingling and itching but it's all still there!!! I go Friday to get my new hair. I am having Doug take my camera to document the process!!! So, there will be pics!! I can't wait!!! I was so worried about the transition and what would people say or think. I have thrown that out the window! I came to this conclusion.....A) When will I ever have a blank canvas for my hair??? Hopefully, never again....so I'm going for it! Since it is a hand made, human hair wig, I will have it cut and styled. I'm going to have the designer do whatever she thinks will be best for me. B) If anyone thinks it's appropriate to say anything mean due to lack of understanding or basically ignorance because of my new style, well....their opinion means nothing because I know they couldn't last 1 day in my shoes. My biggest fear is that someone will say something stupid to me because they have seen me with my super short hair and then the next time they see me, it will be with long hair and think I'm just playing dress up or something like that. I know that is just a silly fear, so I'm throwing it out the window and I'm going to have fun with this!!!!

So....that is about it. Overall, I think things are well. I am feeling great. I feel ALIVE and energized which is just amazing to me.

People That You Meet....In the Neighborhood...

So, after you have been giving this diagnosis, you meet lots of people that have either had it, know someone who had, or is a big supporter of the cause and they each have different outlooks on the whole thing.

Take for example, a survivor that we'll call "Hot Lil"...Now, "Hot Lil", is the sweetest, most loving person you could ever meet. She is also the your biggest cheerleader. A week after my diagnosis was the "big walk". She says (in a very sweet, motherly, almost a little southern way), "Now, you know you have to come and walk your survivor's lap". My initial reaction was what happy planet did she fall from??? Walk a survivors lap??? I haven't survived anything yet!!! Reluctantly, I went. Oh, did I mention that her last words to me were...."Wear your pink".

Pink....pink was an understatement. I feel like I went back to Shelby's wedding...."My colors are blush and bashful...pink is my signature color". I think there was enough pink in that gym to make even Shelby sick of pink. Once you waded through the sea of pink, you saw young, old, fat, skinny, bald, long flowing hair, hats, bandannas.....and you realize...wow...I am one of them. It does not discriminate.

But wait...there's more....So, I pick out Hot Lil in this proverbial sea of pink. She grabs me, HUGE smile, pom pom in hand (in pink, of course), big ribbon with the number 6 on it, shouting and cheering. Really??? So, I guess this was supposed to be reassuring to me. At the time, it wasn't. Here is a little bit of my minds eye...let me set the stage for you....

Cheerleader Captain: "Ready?"

Cheerleaders: "OK!" "We've got Cancer, yes we do, We've got Cancer, How about You?"

(you know, doing the whole head tilt, big, open smile)

I wanted to bop them all up side their cute little heads with their pompoms.

Okay, so that didn't really happen, but it sure did feel that way!!!!

I love my little "Hot Lil"....you will be hearing a lot more stories about her!!! There are lots of people that have come along the way that I hope to write about individually. But, for now, I will leave you with just this first introduction to "Hot Lil".

I won't introduce anyone else just yet...but just wait...they will be coming!!

Welcome to the New Blog

Welcome to the new blog...I came up with the title while laying on a massage table getting a wonderful and relaxing massage from Sue at Healed by Hand. She is super wonderful both at what she does and as a person!!!

So...back to the blog. Everyone has told me to journal during this process. What process...oh yeah, that "C" word...cancer....Breast Cancer specifically. The title....how did that come about?? As I was contemplating all of the changes that are about to happen to me, I posted on FB (that would be Facebook) about how I was not having a good day, I didn't want to have to have chemo, the surgery I was okay with, blah, blah, blah, whine, whine, whine. Then I read the shirt I was wearing. It said... "Beauty is Fleeting, Character.....Eternal". Boy, was I put in my place. So, this is my Character Building experience. I personally thought I had enough character, thank you very much. Obviously, God had other plans and must be thinking that I need WAY more character. Really???

The back story...I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer on 10/14/11 at about 10:28am at the ripe old age of just 38 years old. (yes, you kinda remember the time when the phone rings). On 10/31/11 I found out the best news. Yes, you have BEST news in all of this. Anyway, the cancer had not spread to the lymph nodes. I think I did a happy dance right there in the bank parking lot as the Dr. was telling me this news!!

I can't wait to share with you all of the funny things that have come up during this "character building" process. I hope that you will laugh, cry, and share with me during this journey.